Masculine Misconceptions

Masculine Misconceptions

There’s a great emphasis today in the evangelical world on “biblical manhood.” Whatever phrases or titles you give it, the call to men to act like men, is a good thing. Unfortunately, it’s very easy for the flesh to get in the way of that. Because there has been so much emphasis on “be well liked and well thought of” by many in evangelicalism today, along with the cultural complaining about “toxic masculinity,” we’re in a place where it’s hard to find the right balance of biblical manhood. It’s very easy to swing to one extreme or another. On one side, be sure and be nice and win them over with kindness. On the other side, is a masculine bravado that is, ultimately, an overreaction/overcorrection in many ways.

Somewhere in the middle is where we should land. Boldness that’s not tempered by discernment and self control becomes brash and unteachable. Kindness is a fruit of the Spirit, but so is faithfulness. It takes godly courage to be faithful, otherwise evil can run amok. We should seek, first for ourselves, and also for our sons, to be both bold and gentle. We need to boldly confront sin, but in meekness rather than arrogance. The balance is found in Galatians 5:22-23 and a right understanding of the fruits of the Spirit.

As men striving for a proper balance in today’s culture, many aim at self-improvement through doing. Accomplishing a task so you can grow, which isn’t inherently bad or wrong by any means. Paul’s advice to young men was, after all, that they be self-controlled. How much easier would our lives be if we just had a little more discipline?

But this blog is an approach from another angle. Instead of a list of things to do (or things to be) this is a list of burdens, or misconceptions, we can lay down. This is a list of weights and burdens we can cast off.

Hebrews 12:1 – “Laying aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us”

This list is by no means exhaustive, but simply a small contribution from one man’s brief, humble experience. Below are twelve points in four major categories which I hope you will find to be helpful. As the title says, this is a short list of misconceptions, but the points are given as corrections. The Masculine Misconceptions themselves are implied.

The “OVERALL” Category

You don’t have to achieve “greatness.”

Matthew 6:19 – Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth… Earthly achievement is fleeting and worth less than nothing. Philippians 3:8 – “Indeed, I count everything as loss…”

When I was a young man, my father told me “Son, you have got to have ambition.” But I saw what ambition did to him. I saw the hours and the effort he spent on his career, watched it ravage his body and mind. And I saw that he was wrong.
Contrary to worldly ambition, Scripture tells us not to worry about what we will eat or what we will wear. (Matthew 6:25) God knows what we need. Scripture tells us not to store up treasures on earth, and why would we? We have something much more valuable.
Set aside the need for worldly greatness. If your family’s needs are met, why take on more stress? Your soul belongs to God, and your oath, if you are married, is to your wife. You don’t have to pursue the bigger, better, more that our culture so highly esteems.

You don’t have to leave a legacy.

Our purpose is not to leave statues of ourselves behind, or buildings named after us, or our names inscribed on maps or in history books. Our purpose is to both be and make faithful disciples of Christ. We should be spreading His legacy, not ours. If in three generations my descendants don’t remember my name, hallelujah, if only they know the name of Christ.

You don’t have to be good at it the first time.

If you see someone doing something well, you are not seeing them doing it for the first time. Talent is not real. Give yourself permission to mess it up the first time. Also, some things you won’t ever be good at. That doesn’t necessarily mean failure. You don’t have to master every skill.

Authority

Authority is an important topic because every man is in a position of authority. The Bible clearly teaches that the man is head of his own household. However, given the current cultural “temperature”, so to speak, the subject could use some introduction. First, I think it is important to distinguish between Dignity and Honor.

Dignity is the idea that all people are equal in value, that all carry the spark of the Divine, that we are all made in the image of God, fashioned after His likeness. Dignity is most definitely a true and righteous concept.

Honor, however, is in some ways the opposite of Dignity and it is largely out of favor in our current enlightened age. Honor is the idea that authority and respect are connected to a social position – regardless of who is in that position. For example, a boy who is born the son of a king might someday become king himself. He did nothing to deserve it, yet he is still due all the respect (and still carries all the authority and burdens) of the position. This has nothing to do with his character or his skill. He may be a truly bad king indeed, but Honor dictates that while he is king, he bears everything that accompanies the position. It’s not personal.

Furthermore, and this is the part that is perhaps the least understood, Honor does not make any value claims. The king is not more “valuable” as a man because he is king. He still possesses the same Dignity as the peasant. The man is in no way more valuable than his wife simply because the Honor of his position is different.

But that’s a different lesson. On to the points!

You don’t have to be the smartest guy in the room.

I see this one quite a bit, and maybe it’s our American infatuation with intelligence. The truth is: a king’s job is to choose the plan. It is not necessarily his job to come up with all the plans himself. If a king always chooses his own plan, either he needs better advisors, or he’s super arrogant and mistakenly believes his plan is always better. Such a king is a bad king, doomed to be manipulated by those smarter than him.

Maybe the king does usually choose his own plans regarding, say, battle tactics. Maybe he really is the best general. But he probably isn’t also the best economist, or the best diplomat. He has his strengths, but it is important that he knows his weaknesses and leans into others to shore them up.
Gentlemen, perhaps God has given you a brilliant wife, many times smarter than you. Rejoice! Choose the plan she comes up with every time the situation warrants, and do not feel the slightest hesitation. It is not your job to come up with every plan. It is, however, the man’s job to bear the consequences for the plan he chooses. So, choose the better plan, even if someone else came up with it.

You don’t have to explain every order.

You don’t have to take the time to explain to a soldier why he must return fire. You don’t have to explain to a child why he shouldn’t play in the street. Give the order and see that it is carried out. Not every order must be accompanied by education – that’s a separate matter. The temptation is sometimes to do this because we think we must persuade people to obey. We persuade because we do not understand Honor (on both sides of the relationship at times). We must remember that authority comes from position, rather than something we conjure up within ourselves.

You don’t have to prove yourself.

Once again, your authority comes from your office, your station, your position. Not you, personally. Don’t try to prove yourself – it’s not yourself you’re trying to prove. Displays of power for the purpose of proving how powerful you are will very nearly always prove to be a mistake. This is not saying that you never worry about credibility and just blaze forward with a “whatever - I’m in charge and you have to do what I say!” attitude. But don’t be misled into thinking you always have to prove your worth, value, etc. in every situation you find yourself in.

Romance

You don’t have to buy your wife’s affection or respect.

We tend to think of romance as transactional – give one thing, get another.  That’s one of the built-in problems to the whole “Love Languages” approach. We learn this from video games where the boy character gives the girl character gifts so that her love meter will increase enough to let him propose. We even learn it from misunderstanding Paul, when he commands men to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. (Eph. 5:25) We sometimes take that as an exchange, a trade. Perhaps a man only wants a small measure of respect. If he thinks of love and respect as a trade deal, then he only needs to give his wife a small amount of love to get the small amount of respect he desires.

Love is not a deal, or a trade. It’s a choice. A commitment. Love your wife, as Christ loved the Church, as you know you should. And trust her to respect you. You don’t have to buy that respect.  You certainly should strive to be worthy of it, but you’re not working to earn it.

You don’t have to keep score.

Many sitcoms are based on this idea, where the husband and the wife bicker every episode about every single aspect of their lives. Those sitcoms may be fanciful, but the truth is a sad reality for many couples. In many cases, the situation becomes so dire that the people involved begin to regret their union, perhaps even considering that they married “the wrong person.”

Unfortunately, there is no “right person.” There is no “the one.” The cold, hard, truth of the matter is that the only women available are sinners. Every single one of them. And when you go looking for sin in a sinner’s life, you’re going to find it. And if you mess around and marry one of those sinners, they’re going to sin against you. Count on it. It’s going to happen.

The antidote is the same as it is for any other relationship. Forgiveness. Forgive ahead of time. Forgive her right now for all the sins she is bound to commit against you later, because they are coming. And when they happen, since forgiveness has already happened, just let them go. Don’t remember them. Don’t bother keeping track of your complaints – just let them go. You don’t need them for anything. You don’t live in one of those sitcoms where they have to remember every wrong to use as ammunition in the next fight.

Love is not a competition.

You don’t have to solve all her problems.

This one may be the most popular, but also the most difficult in practice. When your wife comes in with a problem, she does not always need you to explain to her the solution. She doesn’t even want that. Sometimes the real problem is that she’s sad and just wants you to be strong, rather than wise. Is your wife not wise? Of course she is. She likely already knows the solution. If she doesn’t, she’ll ask.

I know, men, that you’re just trying to help. In your mind you see the dragon bearing down on your beautiful queen and you can’t help but raise your sword in her defense. But when she comes to you in tears the dragon is not the problem, the tears are. One does not win such battles with a cold sword, but with warmth.

Sanctification

You don’t have to do this alone.

For reference, see the ENTIRE Bible. Consider the more than 45 uses of the phrase “One Another” in the New Testament, where the Apostles bade us time and time again to work together in unity. Remember what our pastor says so often, “you need the Body and the Body needs you.” Christ’s vision for the Church is a church – a community. The American notion that a “real man” must “pull himself up by his bootstraps” is patently ridiculous. Let that go. Reach out to your brothers in Christ. To refuse is to deny the blessings Christ offers us. You’re not intended to be a Lone Ranger. Allow those that God has blessed you with to help you.

You don’t have to “figure out” or wait for God’s will for your life.

God has a plan for your life, that much is true. And it is going to happen. God is sovereign. But, and this connects to the point above about not needing to achieve greatness, you don’t need to know all the details. You don’t need to wait at the crossroads in your life for writing to appear on the wall. There is no prophetic vision coming. There is no moment of clarity – if you do get one, it has more to do with your lunch than angels. You have the Word, you have the wisdom of your brothers, you have the Spirit of God. Most of the time, it’s fine to just trust your heart. Relax and do what is right (John MacArthur’s little book, “Found: God’s Will” is abundantly helpful here. If you haven’t read it - get a copy today).

You don’t have to have it all figured out.

If you know enough to be saved, you know enough to evangelize. Even if you haven’t opened your Bible in a while you can still disciple your sons. Yes, you should be improving. But there’s no starting line, no entrance exam. The “prerequisite” is simply salvation. You don’t have to be “good enough” to do good works. (You didn’t have to be good enough to be saved…) Don’t wait to start your life, or your Christian walk. There’s nothing you need to do first.

Get started today. Even if you don’t have a “grand-master” plan all worked out. If you wait for all the pieces to fall into place and for all the details to align, you’ll never start. Get going now!

At the end of the day - the goal is sanctification. Pursue knowing Christ. That’s the starting point. That’s the path. That’s the end point. So get going today and lay aside all the weights that our culture, and, all too often, the “church” burdens you with.

Cody Western